305
305
Apr 14, 2015
04/15
by
COM
tv
eye 305
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: physically. >> yes. >> jon: we could pull this off. >> are we related we're cousins. >> jon: give me your face here get a little close. look at this. (applause) at some point in a biblical land my great great great great great gand father and your great great great great grandfather, whatever said i'm going to go this way you go that way. >> whatever. >> jon: how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jon: you know i love you. >> i like you, a lot. >> jon: really, not-- i mean -- >> i don't know you. i mean-- you know. >> jon: we've never met. >> you are funny and you tell the stuff the show. >> jon: do you still-- dow still enjoy going to the record stores an going in and browsing. >> i don't. it's more of a-- it's too deep. it's too much. i can't do it right now. >> jon: too deep and too much in terms of -- >> i don't-- you know i have thousands of records from years and years and years and thousands of 45s. and i don't listen to them. >> jon: right, right right. >> enough. i don't spend enough time with them so they will be up set if i'm going to get more friends. i'm just-- you
>> jon: physically. >> yes. >> jon: we could pull this off. >> are we related we're cousins. >> jon: give me your face here get a little close. look at this. (applause) at some point in a biblical land my great great great great great gand father and your great great great great grandfather, whatever said i'm going to go this way you go that way. >> whatever. >> jon: how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jon: you know i love you. >> i...
75
75
tv
eye 75
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: no. >> no? >> jon: we have the largest military in the world. >> obama looks weak to the world, i think that sat fact, all right? he looks weak to the world. >> jon: but why do you think that is fact? >> because people are talking to us, stewart, they are talking america. >> jon: you think assad basically, assad did this. >> yes. >> jon: president obama drew a red line a year ago about the use of chemicals weapons. >> yes. >> jon: i think i am going to use them just to put it in his face? >> no. i think assad can't control his military and the military did it without -- but he is in charge. >> jon: right. >> so part of the calculation though is if i degrade syria any further, doesn't that create more chaos no matter where the chemicals weapons are. >> i don't think he can do that, if i if you are the president of the united states and you tell people not to kill children and they do you have to take action. >> jon: but they already had been killing children and by the way they are killing childr
>> jon: no. >> no? >> jon: we have the largest military in the world. >> obama looks weak to the world, i think that sat fact, all right? he looks weak to the world. >> jon: but why do you think that is fact? >> because people are talking to us, stewart, they are talking america. >> jon: you think assad basically, assad did this. >> yes. >> jon: president obama drew a red line a year ago about the use of chemicals weapons. >> yes....
255
255
Jun 13, 2012
06/12
by
COM
tv
eye 255
favorite 0
quote 0
jon: no. why don't you shut the [bleep] up, jon >> jon: the prime minister forgetting his eight-year-old daughter. i mean that's got to be a huge scandal >> not really, jon. in britain being left by your parent is a hallowed rite of passage. when every child reaches eight years of age they are abandoned by their family and forced to fend for themselves for a period of time. it's like our rumspringer, a coming of age, an orphan mitzvah, if you will >> jon: to leave an eight-year-old child alone in a pub, she must have been terrified >> at least he left her in a nice pub, jon. oh, the plow at camdden, trust me, jon. there are far less reputable establishments she could have been left in like the witch's chootch or the. i myself was left in the rat and pedophile. that's a rough joint, jon. that's a rough joint. but i will say their sunday brunch is surprisingly good. >> jon: i have heard that. at eight years old, all british children have to temporary become an orphan >> yeah. jon: how do they su
jon: no. why don't you shut the [bleep] up, jon >> jon: the prime minister forgetting his eight-year-old daughter. i mean that's got to be a huge scandal >> not really, jon. in britain being left by your parent is a hallowed rite of passage. when every child reaches eight years of age they are abandoned by their family and forced to fend for themselves for a period of time. it's like our rumspringer, a coming of age, an orphan mitzvah, if you will >> jon: to leave an...
450
450
Apr 12, 2012
04/12
by
COM
tv
eye 450
favorite 0
quote 0
my same in jon stewart. oh, doctor my name is jon stewart. oh, our program tonight -- you are going to love it. my guest spacex c.e.o. elon musk. has his own rockets. whether they are tipped with lasers, i do not know. [ laughter ] before we get started, business news after the top. ♪ >> breaking news on rick santorum dropping out -- [cheers and applause] >> jon: sure that's -- i'm stuck with the santorum dropping out -- well i can't do those jokes anymore. not just because of moral issue but we shredded all of them for god sakes. word of his departure came in the form of just in, standard modifier which discontinuing wishes in a temporal sense just in news from regular stale, run of the mill news. it's the only news modifier you need just temporal stuff. recently cnn would disagree. >> time now for the political pop. >> time now for the cnn political gut check. >> this time new for no talking points. >> checking stories across the country now. >> time for politics update. time for r andr not rest and relaxation but reynolds and randy time.
my same in jon stewart. oh, doctor my name is jon stewart. oh, our program tonight -- you are going to love it. my guest spacex c.e.o. elon musk. has his own rockets. whether they are tipped with lasers, i do not know. [ laughter ] before we get started, business news after the top. ♪ >> breaking news on rick santorum dropping out -- [cheers and applause] >> jon: sure that's -- i'm stuck with the santorum dropping out -- well i can't do those jokes anymore. not just because of...
531
531
tv
eye 531
favorite 0
quote 0
a woman calls i answer, jon. >> jon: is that true? it can be anybody, a woman -- >> a hot, french woman what are you going to do? you would pick up that phone, won't you. >> jon: i would most likely pick up my phone but i wouldn't understand what they were saying. >> i wouldn't care what they were saying. >> jon: that makes total sense. >> right. >> jon: what are you a radio host? >> radio host columnist, ellen mitchell, nelson george type displ and your name is mingus. >> mingus. mingus, and in the movie it rhymes with cunnilingus, which is all right by me. >> jon: is that the one liner from the movie? ( laughter ) ( applause ) imagine a guy, and his name iseningus, so you're doing-- you're doing this, and then you're moving right to the sandler and spade, like-- do you pull a groin from that? how do you go from you're doing the french delpy-- >> movie. >> jon: and then going into-- >> then i did "grown-ups two." >> jon: "grown-ups, two." even more grown-up. and you're producing-- you're a hard-work individual. >> i try to keep it mo
a woman calls i answer, jon. >> jon: is that true? it can be anybody, a woman -- >> a hot, french woman what are you going to do? you would pick up that phone, won't you. >> jon: i would most likely pick up my phone but i wouldn't understand what they were saying. >> i wouldn't care what they were saying. >> jon: that makes total sense. >> right. >> jon: what are you a radio host? >> radio host columnist, ellen mitchell, nelson george type displ...
486
486
tv
eye 486
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: i hear you. >> hey, jon! hey! >> jon: what the? >> hey jon! >> jon: let's check in one last time at guatanamo bay with our old friend, gitmo! hey gitmo! >> yay! yay! what a great day! yay! >> jon: oh, my god, gitmo. >> gitmo and jon stewart finally getting out. yay! hooray for gitmo. >> jon: gitmo, i got some news, i'm leaving but they didn't ever really close guantanamo. i'm going-- >> gitmo... not leaving? only jon stewart? >> jon: yeah. >> ( bleep )! aarrgg! >> jon: we'll get you out of there, gitmo. we'll get you out of there! ( cheers and applause ) >> i have to say jon i just have to say working here meant the world to me. i have such great memories starting with my very first day. so let's just dive in. >> jon: sure. >> i remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches and i chose the egg whites, because you're getting the protein, you know you're getting the protein, but also you've leaving yourself open for a second sandwich. so that's why with egg whites -- >> jon: this is all fascinating. we're going to have to pick up the pace jus
. >> jon: i hear you. >> hey, jon! hey! >> jon: what the? >> hey jon! >> jon: let's check in one last time at guatanamo bay with our old friend, gitmo! hey gitmo! >> yay! yay! what a great day! yay! >> jon: oh, my god, gitmo. >> gitmo and jon stewart finally getting out. yay! hooray for gitmo. >> jon: gitmo, i got some news, i'm leaving but they didn't ever really close guantanamo. i'm going-- >> gitmo... not leaving? only jon stewart?...
190
190
Dec 13, 2012
12/12
by
COM
tv
eye 190
favorite 0
quote 0
take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah? >> i got a pomegranate. >> a what? >> a pomegranate. it's a fruit. you eat the seeds. >> what kind of dweeb eats seeds? >> it was the second night. we always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: good times. >> jon: no, not good times. everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. >> it had a lot of vitamin k. >> jon: who are you? >> seriously? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and being a jew at ch
take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get...
586
586
tv
eye 586
favorite 0
quote 0
(cheers and applause) >> jon: jon hamm? hey, you're the only other person on tv who spells jon correctly? >> hamm: ugh! "jon" with an h? an abomination. >> jon: an abomination. you're a little early, but come on over. let me just get another cup! >> hamm: actually, i'm here to right a grievous wrong. i have been watching you for 16 long years and there's one thing nobody really talks about. >> jon: what's that? your voice, jon. your glorious voice. your voice is like bette midler, barbara streisand and luciano pavarotti had a threesome, and then gave birth to the perfect set of vocal cords -- yours. >> jon: oh, stop it... (cheering) >> so tonight, we celebrate what you've likely wanted all along, to teach the world to sing. (cheers and applause) ♪ welcome to "the daily show" ♪ ♪ i'm jon stewart ♪ ♪ don't go chasing water on mars ♪ ♪ if you like pina coladas and like to party ♪ ♪ come with me on the vacation ♪ ♪ the western wings ♪ ♪ karl rove just joined the executive ranch ♪ ♪ can't a girl get
(cheers and applause) >> jon: jon hamm? hey, you're the only other person on tv who spells jon correctly? >> hamm: ugh! "jon" with an h? an abomination. >> jon: an abomination. you're a little early, but come on over. let me just get another cup! >> hamm: actually, i'm here to right a grievous wrong. i have been watching you for 16 long years and there's one thing nobody really talks about. >> jon: what's that? your voice, jon. your glorious voice. your...
216
216
May 20, 2011
05/11
by
COM
tv
eye 216
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon, jon, jon, we need him to still be alive. if bin laden is dead our adventures in pakistan and iraq and these other countries could all be drawing to a close. >> jon: right, which is wonderful. >> no, but the war spending is the only sector of our economies that's booming. 4r56 laugh (laughter) >> dow want to risk popping the terror bubble? (laughter) it's our last bubble. (laughter) >> jon: john, i'm also protect our bubble economies but osama bin laden is dead and nothing can kang that. >> jon, jon, jon v a little faith in america. we can go anything we put our minds to. we're the country that put a man on the moon. and we're also the country that created the rumor that we did not put a man on the money. (laughter) >> jon: you're saying, john, to save our economy, we need to create some sort of new conspiracy theory about osama bin laden from scratch. >> yes, that's what we do best. >> jon: how would you even get a bin laden conspiracy theory going now. >> right, well jon, the key is to make people feel like texas. you can't
. >> jon, jon, jon, we need him to still be alive. if bin laden is dead our adventures in pakistan and iraq and these other countries could all be drawing to a close. >> jon: right, which is wonderful. >> no, but the war spending is the only sector of our economies that's booming. 4r56 laugh (laughter) >> dow want to risk popping the terror bubble? (laughter) it's our last bubble. (laughter) >> jon: john, i'm also protect our bubble economies but osama bin laden is...
206
206
Feb 25, 2012
02/12
by
COM
tv
eye 206
favorite 0
quote 0
situation. >> of a bad situation. >> jon: thank you, jon olver, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome back, my guest tonight, i like this fella, i like this fell a coming up. his new film is called wanderlust. >> welcome. >> thank you. >> welcome. >> hmmmm, that's italian. these grapes were grown right here in georgia, so the proper word wab delicious. >> i'm going let that go. >> let what go. >> you know what i will show you the method to my madness, okay. first, got to put on the old dangle bag, just in case. >> just in case of what. >> you know,-- . >> jon: please welcome back to the show, paul rudd. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i want to tell you something that was a wonderful gesture, today we have a group in hear, they're diabetic, and what you have done here is a travesty. >> you killed our audience. nice job. >> thanks. >> jon: what's happening? >>. >> well, i've been doing a lot of work with the slinsers, as you can see. >> jon: can i tell you something and respectfully again to the audience this bowl has been i
situation. >> of a bad situation. >> jon: thank you, jon olver, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome back, my guest tonight, i like this fella, i like this fell a coming up. his new film is called wanderlust. >> welcome. >> thank you. >> welcome. >> hmmmm, that's italian. these grapes were grown right here in georgia, so the proper word wab delicious. >> i'm going let that go. >> let what go. >>...
134
134
Oct 29, 2013
10/13
by
COM
tv
eye 134
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: you just said the n word. >> hey, jon, i can say that. i have the security clearance. >> jon: thank you, sica.essica. [cheers & applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is a star of "park and recreation." his book is called "paddle your own canoe." welcome to the program, nick offerman. [cheers & applause] well done, sir. >> thank you. >> jon: thanks for being here. >> thank you for the scotch. [laughter] >> jon: we always like to be helpful. this is the book here. "paddle your own canoe." once again, i'm offended by someone pedalling hollywood values such as hard work and loving your wife. >> well -- >> jon: well, people read this book and live by the code of offerman. happy, happy life. >> it's smut filled with flannel shirts. >> jon: you're a renaissance man. >> i'm a midwesterner we call it. [laughter] sadly these days if you know the difference between a phillips screwdriver and a standard head, you're a renaissance man. >> jon: that's what i'm saying. this canoe, is this the actual canoe that you built? >> that's my first ca
>> jon: you just said the n word. >> hey, jon, i can say that. i have the security clearance. >> jon: thank you, sica.essica. [cheers & applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is a star of "park and recreation." his book is called "paddle your own canoe." welcome to the program, nick offerman. [cheers & applause] well done, sir. >> thank you. >> jon: thanks for being here. >> thank you for the scotch. [laughter]...
436
436
Jan 29, 2013
01/13
by
COM
tv
eye 436
favorite 0
quote 0
thanks, jon. >> jon: sorry. it's okay, jon. look, as long as we're celebrating dr. king's birthday, i would like to make one request. can we as a nation please, please stop using martin luther king as a prop in our own petty political arguments >> jon: you mean about race? no, jon. about everything. listen to what the chairman of national gun appreciation day said last week >> i believe gun appreciation day honors the legacy of dr. king. i think he would agree with me if he were alive today. >> let me stop you right there. he is not alive today. now what was it that killed him? i don't know, jon. was it diabetes? >> jon: i don't think so sandwich choke maybe? mauled by lions on the porch of a memphis hotel? i don't know. >> jon: i don't think that was it >> you were talking about dr. king. >> he would agree with me if he were alive today. that if african-americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history. >> slavery wouldn't have been a chapter. it would have b
thanks, jon. >> jon: sorry. it's okay, jon. look, as long as we're celebrating dr. king's birthday, i would like to make one request. can we as a nation please, please stop using martin luther king as a prop in our own petty political arguments >> jon: you mean about race? no, jon. about everything. listen to what the chairman of national gun appreciation day said last week >> i believe gun appreciation day honors the legacy of dr. king. i think he would agree with me if he...
858
858
tv
eye 858
favorite 0
quote 0
(applause) >> jon: a moon base? your solution to being accused of groonsdity is give me eight years and i have have a [bleep] moon base. did you start with deathstar and got kind of reigned in? by the way mr. moon bas base-- mr. moonbase what was your problem with ron paul again? >> you look at ron paul's total record of systemic avoidance of reality, there will come a morning people won't take him as a serious person. >> jon: yeah, no, they won't, you're right, they won't. you're right, mr. moonbase they won't take ron paul seriously. and that's why i'm going make ron paul my first ambassador to moonlandia. he's out there. so what exactly are we supposed to do with this moon bass? >> when we have 13,000 americans living on the moon they can competition to become a state. >> jon: 13,000, that's not a state, that's like a condo development. that's not a state. you want to be a condo developer on the moon. you want to be like a lunar trump. and may i say this, like earth trump, you will not shall president. here's the
(applause) >> jon: a moon base? your solution to being accused of groonsdity is give me eight years and i have have a [bleep] moon base. did you start with deathstar and got kind of reigned in? by the way mr. moon bas base-- mr. moonbase what was your problem with ron paul again? >> you look at ron paul's total record of systemic avoidance of reality, there will come a morning people won't take him as a serious person. >> jon: yeah, no, they won't, you're right, they won't....
982
982
Nov 28, 2013
11/13
by
COM
tv
eye 982
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: i know, maybe he indicated he -- >> jon, jon -- >> you don't even know what i was going to say. >> don't i know, don't i know what you were going to say. >> okay, fine, you probably do. actually, i think we do v if i may, we have a little more info. here is one of the candidate dave wilson's radio ads. >> this is killing the hopes and dreams of our chrn. >> i have had about enough of him. >> what are we going to do? >> i'm voting for dave wilson. >> jon: and here's dave wilson. (laughter) panel? >> racist. >> smart but racist. >> jon: jason jones. >> i'm going to go with creative. >> i think it's hilarious but it's totally racist. >> jon: okay right, big surprise there. >> excuse me? >> jon: you know, because-- you know, you are -- >> what? i'm what? >> jon: no, no because es -- >> what, what am i-- . >> jon: because he's not-- all i'm saying it would be nice if we could get some impartial judges in here. >> jon: let me just say this, no, no, no. you feel like you're not in a power position, i understand that. let's get some other judges in here. i think that might help. >> ser
>> jon: i know, maybe he indicated he -- >> jon, jon -- >> you don't even know what i was going to say. >> don't i know, don't i know what you were going to say. >> okay, fine, you probably do. actually, i think we do v if i may, we have a little more info. here is one of the candidate dave wilson's radio ads. >> this is killing the hopes and dreams of our chrn. >> i have had about enough of him. >> what are we going to do? >> i'm voting for...
269
269
tv
eye 269
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: so... so. jon: i hope this works out for you. >> thanks, jon. i'm plugging away. >> jon: i think that's right. i think that's right. this phenomenon. >> right. jon: is insanity. it's worldwide insanity. >> yes. i should come out right now. >> jon: it would be dramatic. ( cheers and applause ). people are shaking with excitement and glee. >> right. i mean, i feel this way about, you know, the movies that i was really into growing up. i love the enthusiasm. >> jon: were you a super hero guy growing up? your father was a director so you were involved in film. >> i mean i was around movies ought time. they were underground movies. very cool stuff. but i mean i remember when i saw the first superman movie with christopher reeve, it's fun. >> jon: you believed a man could fly? >> well, no. i mean, because the effects weren't very good back then. >> jon: the effects in this are really ridiculous. this is the thing with... do you remember, okay, so the first three star wars movies. you're like these are excellent movies. that's how i got involved in sci
. >> jon: so... so. jon: i hope this works out for you. >> thanks, jon. i'm plugging away. >> jon: i think that's right. i think that's right. this phenomenon. >> right. jon: is insanity. it's worldwide insanity. >> yes. i should come out right now. >> jon: it would be dramatic. ( cheers and applause ). people are shaking with excitement and glee. >> right. i mean, i feel this way about, you know, the movies that i was really into growing up. i love the...
210
210
Jan 18, 2012
01/12
by
COM
tv
eye 210
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: i read it. >> and? >> jon: she seems nice. >> (laughing). >> jon: really. i'm surprised at the controversy because the book seems to portray michelle obama as a complex yet human individual struggling with this unbelievable situation yet remaining the moral compass and center of an administration trying to find its footing. the only thing i would say to you is, how dare you? >> it is really weird to me. i've been covering the obamas for five years. basically i asked two questions: what happens when you take these two pretty regular people and put them in the extremely abnormal situation at the white house. the reporting is filled with details of how life there is really kind of weird and hard. and also, you know, what is there adjustment like to being president and first lady. their rise was so fast. so the white house really cooperated with the book. >> jon: who talks to you about their relationship? >> well, 33 current and former white house aides. a lot of their best friends. also i've interviewed the obamas a bunch of times. >> jon: names. tell me their
>> jon: i read it. >> and? >> jon: she seems nice. >> (laughing). >> jon: really. i'm surprised at the controversy because the book seems to portray michelle obama as a complex yet human individual struggling with this unbelievable situation yet remaining the moral compass and center of an administration trying to find its footing. the only thing i would say to you is, how dare you? >> it is really weird to me. i've been covering the obamas for five years....
192
192
May 23, 2013
05/13
by
COM
tv
eye 192
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: where you work? >> where i work. say the word. >> jon: uhthe-- >> say it. wherwhere do i work? >> jon: what is the shah's secret police organization? what is that? so you're over there. >> i'm over there in hell. >> jon: in hell, right. i'll say the organization, soron. and-- so there's the sense they have been singled out purely because of their political beliefs. to be profiled like that. >> right. >> jon: it must be very upset. >> well, we set bonfires and homes light up. >> jon: just to be lumped in with people based solely on one factor, is unfair, i guess is what i'm saying. it's unfair. >> yeah. >> jon: it would be like-- let's say somebody committed an act of terror, and we took their whole religion. >> right. >> jon: and we lumped them all in for special singling out. >> that's a very interesting analogy. so, a, act of terror, not 14,600 acts of terror, all right. >> jon: well. >> i'm just doing the math here. if they keep mounting up, maybe you do a little profiling, maybe. >> jon: so you're okay with profiling as long as-- >> once it gets over 14
>> jon: where you work? >> where i work. say the word. >> jon: uhthe-- >> say it. wherwhere do i work? >> jon: what is the shah's secret police organization? what is that? so you're over there. >> i'm over there in hell. >> jon: in hell, right. i'll say the organization, soron. and-- so there's the sense they have been singled out purely because of their political beliefs. to be profiled like that. >> right. >> jon: it must be very upset....
78
78
tv
eye 78
favorite 0
quote 0
jon, forgive me for not being clear. >> jon: this is not fair. >> no, it is not fair. >> jon: a judge should step in. >> that's right. let me be the referee. >> jon: here's the thing. don't we have fun together? >> we do absolutely. >> jon: can i tell you what would be a hilarious movie. >> i'm ready. >> jon: you and me road trip to mexico. >> you're on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lou dobbs, fox business week. lou dobbs. >> jon: boom. ( cheers and applause ) that's our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> jon stewart, you hold it right there. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: what a pleasant spridz surprise. i was just.... >> you know why i'm here, jon. >> jon: valentine's day isn't for two weeks. >> you have something that belongs to me. >> jon: the immersion blender is for my butternut squash. you're not getting that super pac back, colbert. >> i want my unlimited money, jon. >> jon: i treat that money well. you don't understand that money. you don't know what it's like.
jon, forgive me for not being clear. >> jon: this is not fair. >> no, it is not fair. >> jon: a judge should step in. >> that's right. let me be the referee. >> jon: here's the thing. don't we have fun together? >> we do absolutely. >> jon: can i tell you what would be a hilarious movie. >> i'm ready. >> jon: you and me road trip to mexico. >> you're on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lou dobbs, fox business week. lou dobbs....
137
137
tv
eye 137
favorite 0
quote 0
(laughter). >> jon: yeah. i mean, that's... >> jon, i wrote another book. >> jon: oh, okay. sure. >> i think we have this one, too. (laughter) if you can see it, it's... (laughter). well, i guess that's fairly self-explanatory. it's a book... it's how i imagine steve jobs would have written my biography. (laughter) >> jon: i guess that's an e-book. >> well done. (laughter) >> jon: well, see, i mean, i have to tell you i'm very... you're right. maybe i didn't perhaps nurture that enough when you were here and i apologize for that. >> no, no, no. you were very nurturing, you were lovely. you were lovely, lovely man. >> jon: it looked like you had written a book about that i hit you. >> that's by anonymous. >> jon: that's not you. >> not necessarily. >> jon: is there anything in the steve jobs/steve carell book that i should know about that comes up that's damaging to me? >> so you didn't read these books? >> jon: i didn't read them all. >> i sent these books to you and i thought you were the type of person who did their home work before the show. caught ya! that's a gotcha mom
(laughter). >> jon: yeah. i mean, that's... >> jon, i wrote another book. >> jon: oh, okay. sure. >> i think we have this one, too. (laughter) if you can see it, it's... (laughter). well, i guess that's fairly self-explanatory. it's a book... it's how i imagine steve jobs would have written my biography. (laughter) >> jon: i guess that's an e-book. >> well done. (laughter) >> jon: well, see, i mean, i have to tell you i'm very... you're right. maybe i...
1,254
1.3K
Oct 15, 2014
10/14
by
COM
tv
eye 1,254
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: what is wrong with you people? [laughing] >> jon: it was his nurse. in the ebola unit, she took care of the ebola man. [laughing] >> jon: what do you mean how did she get -- was is a zoltar wish gone a rye? did she attend a ebola tea party. did she pee in a fountain next to ebola? for god's sake. [laughing] >> jon: a six foot tall case ofy bowla so, we can't count on the news media to take a reasoned approach. surely, surely their graphic department won't let us down. >> right now 48 people are under closed watch who were exposed to duncan before he was isolated. >> jon: alright. sir, the bad news you havey bowla the good news is you have a 30-foot penis. red. anyways the disease may possibly spread from there as the latest victim has intimate contact with others. for god's sake! my god! it's what rick santora warned us about. we sanction gay marriage and now men are giving do dogs ebola in their butts. i think they need a nine-year-old in the control room saying that looks like a penis in the butt. clearly the news anchor is having a trouble drawing
>> jon: what is wrong with you people? [laughing] >> jon: it was his nurse. in the ebola unit, she took care of the ebola man. [laughing] >> jon: what do you mean how did she get -- was is a zoltar wish gone a rye? did she attend a ebola tea party. did she pee in a fountain next to ebola? for god's sake. [laughing] >> jon: a six foot tall case ofy bowla so, we can't count on the news media to take a reasoned approach. surely, surely their graphic department won't let us...
1,090
1.1K
Dec 10, 2013
12/13
by
COM
tv
eye 1,090
favorite 0
quote 0
jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." jon stewart. my guest tonight former pakistani ambassador to the united states husain haqqani is on the program. let us begin tonight with the national security administration which is the subject of the new ongoing series "that thing they said they are not doing, they are totally doing." [laughter] over the past six months or so people have been playing something of a fun little game with the n.s.a. the n.s.a. tells us they are not doing something and then we found out they are totally doing it. [ laughter ] for instance, -- >> nobody is listening to to your telephone calls. >> jon: turns out they are totally listening to your telephone calls. they storing them in this giant utah fortress of surveilitude. next. >> with respect to the internet and e-mails, this does not allow to united states citizens. >> jon: go on. >> the obama administration quietly won permis
jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." jon stewart. my guest tonight former pakistani ambassador to the united states husain haqqani is on the program. let us begin tonight with the national security administration which is the subject of the new ongoing series "that thing they said they are not doing, they are totally doing." [laughter] over the past six months...
1,416
1.4K
Jul 15, 2011
07/11
by
COM
tv
eye 1,416
favorite 0
quote 0
wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a terrible so shiite al crime on gay people itç doesn't mean i should give. in we talked about in this group, jon. comedy is a choice. you weren't born this way. >> jon: i know. i know that. >> you understand? >> jon: i do know that. >> you can resist it. you must resist it. >> jon: it's so hard jerry. >> instead of going for the cheap gay joke try watching the footage. make astute observations. he's a big man. he is dancing. what kind of dance is he doing? >> jon: it's called the the shag. that's a funny name. he has a funny name. >> jon: marcus bachmann y is that funny? >> bachmann? is that a classical music superher
wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a...
290
290
Jun 24, 2011
06/11
by
COM
tv
eye 290
favorite 0
quote 0
plan, jon. so they drop 11 paratroopers in, led by a guy who is still around, a 90-year-old guy earl walter. >> jon: who is like seven feet tall. >> he's like what they thought the cannibals would be. an earl walter leads this team in to protect them from the thousands of stone-aged cannibals who live there in this valley while the army is saying, well, we got to figure out some escape plan. in the meantime, let's put more guys in. >> so meanwhile, they sit in the jungle with these guys eating spam and canned bacon for like two months. >> yeah, yeah. it was actually almost like r&r. >> jon: crazy. then they decide, let's walk out of here. >> right. >> jon: let's dplied out of here. >> they realize... new guinea is this incredible tropical jungle. you can't get out of it. so they just say, we're going to do this, this is our plan, we'll basically drop stuff for you to build a makeshift football goalpost, and we'll string a rubber band across the top of it and we'll put that to a glider. and then
plan, jon. so they drop 11 paratroopers in, led by a guy who is still around, a 90-year-old guy earl walter. >> jon: who is like seven feet tall. >> he's like what they thought the cannibals would be. an earl walter leads this team in to protect them from the thousands of stone-aged cannibals who live there in this valley while the army is saying, well, we got to figure out some escape plan. in the meantime, let's put more guys in. >> so meanwhile, they sit in the jungle with...
456
456
Mar 23, 2012
03/12
by
COM
tv
eye 456
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: thank you, kristen. kristen schaal, everybody. ( applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight. oh, we love him. his new film: >> jon: please welcome back to the show will ferrell. ( cheers and applause ) not all comedians wear helmets? ( applause ) you, my friend, are a c, and a t, and a d. dick. >> jon: so all three. >> you're all three. >> jon: at the same time. >> never been done before. >> jon: never been done before. that is a miracle. >> that is a miracle. >> jon: where did you find that? >> what do you mean where did i find this? i'm a comedian and i'm wearing my comedy helmet. ( applause ) >> jon: i don't know why we had that here. the helmet thing. you were like, hey, does anybody have a bike helmet or a roller blade helmet. where the (beep) did you get a bike helmet? >> it must be from the daily show softball team. >> jon: here's the problem. >> not only that you had three of them. i had to choose from three of them. >> jon: what was the difference in the three? sizing. >> no this one just looked smart. >> jon: you look like the great gazu right now.
. >> jon: thank you, kristen. kristen schaal, everybody. ( applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight. oh, we love him. his new film: >> jon: please welcome back to the show will ferrell. ( cheers and applause ) not all comedians wear helmets? ( applause ) you, my friend, are a c, and a t, and a d. dick. >> jon: so all three. >> you're all three. >> jon: at the same time. >> never been done before. >> jon: never been done before. that is a...
102
102
Mar 19, 2013
03/13
by
COM
tv
eye 102
favorite 0
quote 0
> yes, not bad. >> jon: but it is. in the legislature -- things happen that seem inexplicable on the legislative side. >> right. >> jon: or the executive side and no one seems to know how it went down. it's backroom things that show up and they vote on it. >> but every member of the court has to have a written explanation. you can join someone else's opinion and say i agree with that and sign it but every justice has signed on to some explanation. it's impressive, i think. >> jon: it's very impressive. in some ways this, is going to sound crazy, do the justices after doing that job for a while feel judged. >> i think do you feel judged. you feel that everything do you is under scrutiny. everybody in the country who has an interest in they can see it and talk about. >> jon: any idiot can make fun of it. >> make a joke of it or whatever. >> jon: it's not fair. >> hardly but that's the way it works. >> jon: if i see somebody doing it you can be sure i'll stop them as it goes. is there something to -- when you get to write
> yes, not bad. >> jon: but it is. in the legislature -- things happen that seem inexplicable on the legislative side. >> right. >> jon: or the executive side and no one seems to know how it went down. it's backroom things that show up and they vote on it. >> but every member of the court has to have a written explanation. you can join someone else's opinion and say i agree with that and sign it but every justice has signed on to some explanation. it's impressive, i...
208
208
tv
eye 208
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> thank you, jon, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> i think everyone watching tuesday night can agree on one thing, the president [bleep] up, jon. i mean he [bleep] up. (laughter) >> jon: that's your-- what are you telling, he was re-elected. >> exactly. you think he was expecting that? of course not. 16 trillion dollars in debt. 7.9% unemployment, i'm sure he wanted no part of that [bleep] pie. in fact, i'm even more sure that obama was looking forward to watching president romney having to choke it down for him. >> jon: you're telling me obama was planning to lose to romney. >> i don't know about planning to lose but he was sure as hell trying to, two words, jon, first debate. two more, in denver. they provide some contest to the first two words. >> jon: you are saying obama took a dive. >> of course he took a dive, of course he did. >> jon: in denver he took a dive you're saying he took a dive. >> exactly we said it four times together. the point is obama is a smart man, jon. and a notoriously brilliant spea
. >> thank you, jon, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> i think everyone watching tuesday night can agree on one thing, the president [bleep] up, jon. i mean he [bleep] up. (laughter) >> jon: that's your-- what are you telling, he was re-elected. >> exactly. you think he was expecting that? of course not. 16 trillion dollars in debt. 7.9% unemployment, i'm sure he wanted no part of that [bleep] pie. in fact, i'm even more sure that obama was looking forward to watching...
224
224
Apr 14, 2015
04/15
by
COM
tv
eye 224
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: hey welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. great show for you tonight. our guest tonight, one of my favorite adam horovitz is going to join us later tonight. but first hey you got up this morning i checked my social media my tweeter page. cuz i dig that [bleep]. (laughter) >> it's abuzz. there's some sort of throne games totally missed that that was going on. and then apparently madonna sucker kissed drake and i assume to lay one of her-- (laughter)çó >> jon: one of her-- it looked like sheÑi laid one of her eggs in his stomach. but the most battling trend was what seemed like this state farm commercial gone viral. >> i'm getting ready for a lot of things. >> big boy coming your way. >> we're starting gardens ready. and my tomatoes are ledge endary here in my own neighborhood. >> i am now going back to work. >> i'm getting ready to retire soon. >> jon: this is boring as [bleep]. (laughter) >> i don't understand why this is creating a twitter s deal? it's ode people stuff. opening doors a
. >> jon: hey welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you tonight. great show for you tonight. our guest tonight, one of my favorite adam horovitz is going to join us later tonight. but first hey you got up this morning i checked my social media my tweeter page. cuz i dig that [bleep]. (laughter) >> it's abuzz. there's some sort of throne games totally missed that that was going on. and then apparently madonna sucker kissed drake and i assume to lay...
231
231
Nov 15, 2012
11/12
by
COM
tv
eye 231
favorite 0
quote 0
my name is jon stewart. good show today. fabulous author jon meacham. he's written a biography of jefferson. cher monohelmsley. (laughter). (laughter) hooray me! last night we had on the program jason sudeikis from s.n.l . a tremendous, very, very funny man, plays mitt romney and joe biden on the show and he was making a joke on the show about how wouldn't it be funny if in this election it turned out that romney and biden had both won and ended up as president and vice president, wouldn't that have been funny and i said, oh, i don't think that could happen, jason. as a man who knows a lot about like -- and he's like "well, i thought that was the scenario. well, it turns out that could happen! he was referring to a scenario which i found out later where if the electoral college was tied the president would have gotten kicked to the house of representatives where they might have picked mitt romney, the senate would have picked the vice president, they would have picked joe biden and that's how it would have happened. once again there's -- one of the thin
my name is jon stewart. good show today. fabulous author jon meacham. he's written a biography of jefferson. cher monohelmsley. (laughter). (laughter) hooray me! last night we had on the program jason sudeikis from s.n.l . a tremendous, very, very funny man, plays mitt romney and joe biden on the show and he was making a joke on the show about how wouldn't it be funny if in this election it turned out that romney and biden had both won and ended up as president and vice president, wouldn't that...
387
387
Jun 22, 2011
06/11
by
COM
tv
eye 387
favorite 0
quote 0
[laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause] >> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the assault rifles we sold mexican cartels didn't work, how do we find out where the guns are? what is plan "b"? >> the only way you're going to find those guns in mexico is where? >> at crime scenes in which either the bad guy was killed and his gun was left at the scene or used during the commission of a crime in which the gun was left behind. >> jon: okay. [laughter] so our plan to prevent american guns from being used in mexican gang violence is to provide mexican gangs american guns. [laughter] to use according to our plan. [laughter] how exactly did we convince the mexican government to cooperate
[laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause] >> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the...
1,046
1.0K
Jan 17, 2014
01/14
by
COM
tv
eye 1,046
favorite 0
quote 0
my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight author steve brill, the follow-up to the smash hit article tonight we discuss it more. the top stories goes out to all the fellows in the house. [ laughter ] have you gentlemen, for the past 50-75 years or so felt something breathing down your neck? a presence waiting to pounce on what was once yours. you ain't dreaming, buddy, they are called women. [laughter] and they are braking down barriers left and right. they are the subject of tonight's segment jon steu -- [cheers and applause] if i may -- the placement of the comma is actually -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] there's no question the past few months there's been a series of wonderful firsts for women. >> historic confirmation. janet yellin will become the first female chair of federal reserve. >> for the first time in its 325 year history lloyd's of london has a female ceo. >> the auto industry giant has its first ever see mail ceo. >> we have a new ceo who happen it's be a woman, a car gal. i think that's
my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight author steve brill, the follow-up to the smash hit article tonight we discuss it more. the top stories goes out to all the fellows in the house. [ laughter ] have you gentlemen, for the past 50-75 years or so felt something breathing down your neck? a presence waiting to pounce on what was once yours. you ain't dreaming, buddy, they are called women. [laughter] and they are braking down barriers left and right. they are the subject of tonight's segment...
85
85
tv
eye 85
favorite 0
quote 0
it's miller time. >> jon: . >> jon: that sour show. let's check in with larry wilmore at the nightly show. larry wilmore. lar-- what? what's the matter. >> hey, jon hey. >> jon: wait, -- >> no, no that's trivial stuff i was-- i was sad about you know income inequality, as it relates to housing policy. yup, that's all. >> jon: inequitable
it's miller time. >> jon: . >> jon: that sour show. let's check in with larry wilmore at the nightly show. larry wilmore. lar-- what? what's the matter. >> hey, jon hey. >> jon: wait, -- >> no, no that's trivial stuff i was-- i was sad about you know income inequality, as it relates to housing policy. yup, that's all. >> jon: inequitable
268
268
Jun 29, 2011
06/11
by
COM
tv
eye 268
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: yes! finally. ( applause ) let me tell you what's going on. i do an interview with chris wallace. i mentioned fox news viewers were the most consistently misinformed viewers in every poll. politifact said i shouldn't have said every poll. just most. i brought up a 21 lie salute of politifact spot fact checking so i assume that chris wallace now begins the work of apologizing for fox's many false and misleading statements. probably do a blooper show and carry us into the 2014 midterm s with a clear conscious. >> do you believe that fox news is exactly the ideological equivalent... of nbc news. >> i think we're the counterweight. i think they have a liberal agenda. i think we tell the other side of the story. jon seemed to think that was a big deal that i said we tell the other side of the story. i wish i had said the full story. here's what i meant. >> jon: wait. that was a big deal that you said that. that's your setting the record straight? i accidentally told the truth and wish i could t
. >> jon: yes! finally. ( applause ) let me tell you what's going on. i do an interview with chris wallace. i mentioned fox news viewers were the most consistently misinformed viewers in every poll. politifact said i shouldn't have said every poll. just most. i brought up a 21 lie salute of politifact spot fact checking so i assume that chris wallace now begins the work of apologizing for fox's many false and misleading statements. probably do a blooper show and carry us into the 2014...
716
716
tv
eye 716
favorite 0
quote 1
boom, boom -- >> jon, jon! >> jon: what's that? what? >> jon, we have three more shows left. >> jon: [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ with at&t, strong can turn a simple lunch break... ...into advanced economics. at&t's network has the nation's strongest 4g lte signal. >> jon: well company back, my guest tonight, very fond of her. the star of amy schumer on comedy central and her new movie is called train wreck. >> oh my god, he's calling. >> why would he call you, you just had sex. >> it's probably a mistake. >> he's butt dialing you. >> hello? >> hey, there. >> this is amy. i think you butt dialed me. >> no, no, i dialed you with my finger. >> shhh. >> he called mes on purpose. >> hang up, he is obviously sick or something. >> yeah, what's up. >> i was calling to say i had a really good time last night. i was wondering if you wanted to hang out again. >> will you say that again please? >> i was wondering if i could see you again. >> you know what, i'm going to call the poli
boom, boom -- >> jon, jon! >> jon: what's that? what? >> jon, we have three more shows left. >> jon: [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ with at&t, strong can turn a simple lunch break... ...into advanced economics. at&t's network has the nation's strongest 4g lte signal. >> jon: well company back, my guest tonight, very fond of her. the star of amy schumer on comedy central and her new movie is...
221
221
Dec 28, 2011
12/11
by
COM
tv
eye 221
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: how weird. my researchers read the very same thing in a history book right before we wrote this. >> what a coincidence. and if i may ask, how do you celebrate christmas? >> jon: chinese food and a movie, you know. >> (laughing) oh, yes, yes. oh, i see. you're a hebrew. well, happy holiday. from your name i thought you were of the tudor house. >> jon: i get that aate lot. the history channel offices. >> those idiots say i flew a kite in the middle of an electrical storm. do i seem suicidal. >> they gave me a pants on fire for quoting them. >> speaking of pants on fire, you don't happen to have any of that future penicillin on you, do you? ( applause ) >> jon: is that it? >> thanks. you're a real (beep) saver. it's a colonial expression. >> jon: right,. well, i've got to get back. >> to the future! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: my guest tonight is a chef. she hosts the food network's secrets of a restaurant chef. her new book is called cook like a rock star. 125 recipes and culinary secrets. ple
. >> jon: how weird. my researchers read the very same thing in a history book right before we wrote this. >> what a coincidence. and if i may ask, how do you celebrate christmas? >> jon: chinese food and a movie, you know. >> (laughing) oh, yes, yes. oh, i see. you're a hebrew. well, happy holiday. from your name i thought you were of the tudor house. >> jon: i get that aate lot. the history channel offices. >> those idiots say i flew a kite in the middle of...
394
394
Jul 12, 2011
07/11
by
COM
tv
eye 394
favorite 0
quote 0
broke, unemployed shall, endlessly deployed. >> jon, jon, jon, you're hurting. i know that. >> jon: wow!, john oliver, how did you get here? >> jon, i got here the way the british people who bring comfort have traveled for hundreds of years. a magic cloak and umbrella. that is how i got here. (applause) >> how do i get here every day. >> jon: yeah. i guess you saw, i was away for a week, i come back. the news is just bleak and i'm in a bad way. >> i saw that. corruption of your national institutions have got enyou don't, haven't they, chappy? >> jon: only a trusted friend could through perhaps a comparative back and forth put my troubles in perspective. i think that would be -- >> have no fear ♪ ♪ england's here ♪ to make you feel ♪ a ittle etter ♪. >> jon: what, what just happened to your con son ants. >> we took them hem when we're elping eople. >> jon: that's charming. i think are you in own your head, quite frankly. we have real trouble in this country. >> right, jon, what would england know about a dying empire with rotting institutions. well, let
broke, unemployed shall, endlessly deployed. >> jon, jon, jon, you're hurting. i know that. >> jon: wow!, john oliver, how did you get here? >> jon, i got here the way the british people who bring comfort have traveled for hundreds of years. a magic cloak and umbrella. that is how i got here. (applause) >> how do i get here every day. >> jon: yeah. i guess you saw, i was away for a week, i come back. the news is just bleak and i'm in a bad way. >> i saw that....
262
262
Sep 12, 2011
09/11
by
COM
tv
eye 262
favorite 0
quote 0
(applause). >> jon: how are you snowed. >> i'm doing well, jon. a little wet but i'm well. >> jon: terrible weather these days. terrible weather. buddy roemer, tell me, you are running for president for the republican party. there is a debate that is happening..happening of republin candidates at the reagan museum and library... >> southern california. >> jon: family resort. (laughter) and you have not been invited. >> you're not going to be serious about this question. >> jon: i will absolutely be serious. sir, why will they not invite you to this debate? >> they have some rules of engagement that include a national poll that has you at 4% or higher. i've been out of politics for 16 years, i started running four weeks ago, i'm not a big-funded big-check candidate, i have a different style about me. i'm just now appearing in the polls. i was at a smooth 1% last week. (laughter). >> jon: so you're already beating rick santorum. (laughter and applause) what... the percentage that you have to be at to be in the... to qualify for the debate is what? >
(applause). >> jon: how are you snowed. >> i'm doing well, jon. a little wet but i'm well. >> jon: terrible weather these days. terrible weather. buddy roemer, tell me, you are running for president for the republican party. there is a debate that is happening..happening of republin candidates at the reagan museum and library... >> southern california. >> jon: family resort. (laughter) and you have not been invited. >> you're not going to be serious about...
119
119
Mar 26, 2014
03/14
by
COM
tv
eye 119
favorite 0
quote 0
wow. >> jon: thank you that's -- >> putin want desk, jon. >> jon: that's nice. >> putin want desk. 97% of people say take desk so i take desk. thank you. >> jon: you can't do that though. >> yes, i can. i'm putin. desk is -- [cheers and applause] desk is putin's desk now. >> jon: actually if i'm -- first of all i didn't realize you were as tall as me sitting down. >> i am large woman. >> jon: that is somewhat upsetting even more than the taking of my land. >> well. >> jon: this is my land, my desk. >> historically it's putin's desk. >> jon: you are a jerk! >> well, putin doesn't give a (bleep). it's a nice desk. comfy desk. >> ♪ geico motorcycle. see how much you could save. whoa, what's that? umm...a flatizza. it's new from subway. what's a flatizza? tom, i'm patching you in. the latest invention from subway, the new flatizza. crispy flatbread loaded with mozzarella. now get 2 for $5. subway eat fresh. directions to the nearest subway. ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. ♪ yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple. your taste buds dancing. it's the
wow. >> jon: thank you that's -- >> putin want desk, jon. >> jon: that's nice. >> putin want desk. 97% of people say take desk so i take desk. thank you. >> jon: you can't do that though. >> yes, i can. i'm putin. desk is -- [cheers and applause] desk is putin's desk now. >> jon: actually if i'm -- first of all i didn't realize you were as tall as me sitting down. >> i am large woman. >> jon: that is somewhat upsetting even more than the...
335
335
tv
eye 335
favorite 0
quote 0
>> jon: yes! no more bailouts for corporate irresponsibility, never going to happen. >> i heard warren buffett's ketchup conglomerate is going down. if i goes down americans will have hunts ketchup. >> jon: no don't make us do. that i think i threw up in my mouth a little bit. >> exactly. that's why i have to merge with the condiment. that's the new standard oil. all i have is merriam-hodgman, john hancock insurance and chips ahoy. >> jon: you merged with those? >> didn't see you the press release announcing our new name? >> jon: no, i have not. merry cocks ahoy. >> merry cocks ahoy. >> jon: indeed. >> not indeed just merry cocks ahoy. >> jon: have you market tested that name? >> why would i? i want to make sure it sells well so i cep my profits and run a responsible company so i don't have to run to the government for a bailout. you are the dictionary definition of --[cheers and app] >> jon: welcome back. over the years, italy has had its share of problems. centuries of occupation by foreign powe
>> jon: yes! no more bailouts for corporate irresponsibility, never going to happen. >> i heard warren buffett's ketchup conglomerate is going down. if i goes down americans will have hunts ketchup. >> jon: no don't make us do. that i think i threw up in my mouth a little bit. >> exactly. that's why i have to merge with the condiment. that's the new standard oil. all i have is merriam-hodgman, john hancock insurance and chips ahoy. >> jon: you merged with those?...
319
319
tv
eye 319
favorite 0
quote 0
think about it, jon. what would you have said a week ago if i'd asked you what it would take to save the publishing industry? >> jon: i don't know, a comet knocking out the internet? newspapers printed on belgian chocolate? >> jon: great ideas. but not as good as "angry jews." >> jon: really one of the better iphone games i've played. (applause) >> assif: those ads cost $150,000 apiece. >> jon: how can two ads save the print industry? >> assif: it started as two adds but like all conflicts involving israel, this fight has spilled out to occupy all available space in the area. anti-netanyahu groups bought out the front page to have the food section. >> jon: i see what they did there. >> assif: then the pro-bibi lobby struck out with this page in the vow section. >> jon: wow! i want to hate that couple but i strangely envy the heart-warming, quirky way they met. >> assif: yeah. >> jon: i can't believe it. >> assif: that's when the fight spilled over into the masthead. >> jon: the masthead is supposed to be
think about it, jon. what would you have said a week ago if i'd asked you what it would take to save the publishing industry? >> jon: i don't know, a comet knocking out the internet? newspapers printed on belgian chocolate? >> jon: great ideas. but not as good as "angry jews." >> jon: really one of the better iphone games i've played. (applause) >> assif: those ads cost $150,000 apiece. >> jon: how can two ads save the print industry? >> assif: it...
417
417
tv
eye 417
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: do, [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is the lead singer of band u2 in recognition of world aids day which is december 1 his organizations one and red are hosting a major event in washington to discuss the fight against aids. mr. president welcome to the program -- please welcome to the program, bono. [cheers and applause] what is all this? >> missed your birthday. >> jon: thank you. >> red ipod. red iphone. >> jon: very nice. thank you. that's lovely. [cheers and applause] he comes bearing gifts. thank you. >> save lives. >> jon: what is nice about this because when you first came out with this i thought you were basically thinking this was going to be so (bleep) boring i'll just listen to music while jon is talking to america i thought you were bringing out headphones for yourself. >> i saw you rocking in your chair there. >> joe: that's what jews do. >> jon: that's what jews do. we -- [ laughter ] how have been been, man? >> been good. >> jon: you had something on your back. are you healed and healthy?
. >> jon: do, [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is the lead singer of band u2 in recognition of world aids day which is december 1 his organizations one and red are hosting a major event in washington to discuss the fight against aids. mr. president welcome to the program -- please welcome to the program, bono. [cheers and applause] what is all this? >> missed your birthday. >> jon: thank you. >> red ipod. red iphone. >> jon: very...
123
123
Dec 17, 2014
12/14
by
COM
tv
eye 123
favorite 0
quote 0
jon: nothing. >> well, that's why i went into music jon. >> jon: i think it was a wise choice. i hope it works out for you. i think a fall back plan is always -- >> that's what my dad said to me. >> jon: dereally. >> yes. jon: how much success did you have before family, friends thought, we're going to get off his back now and let him go. where were you, charting? ed sullivan. what was the moment everyone went okay you're doing it for a living. that's fine. >> you know, ya -- i think it was the first record on the charts probably. ya. >> jon: or was it the song for "destiny" the video game. is that where they said, he has made it. >> the song just happened, ya. they never believed it. ya, the song for "destiny" i'm not here to plug. >> jon: no. >> no. >. jon: i'm not here to plug it either. we would probably talk anyways. >> about that. jon: or hang out as we often do. >> we often do. jon: me outside your house. you in it. >> well -- you know. jon: how do they get you to do that? there are a lot of things. think to myself i would love to have paul mccartney do a song for this,
jon: nothing. >> well, that's why i went into music jon. >> jon: i think it was a wise choice. i hope it works out for you. i think a fall back plan is always -- >> that's what my dad said to me. >> jon: dereally. >> yes. jon: how much success did you have before family, friends thought, we're going to get off his back now and let him go. where were you, charting? ed sullivan. what was the moment everyone went okay you're doing it for a living. that's fine....
1,999
2.0K
Mar 27, 2012
03/12
by
COM
tv
eye 1,999
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> jon: why? >> i'm in florida, jon. this is the least threatening item of clothing i own. >> jon: why the giant lollipop? >> this is the safest alternative to skittles. ( applause ) >> jon: i don't understand. >> remember, jon. it wasn't just the hoodie that frightened zimmerman. it was the hoodie coupled with this terrifying candy. >> jon: i don't think skittles are terrifying wyatt. >> no, listen to this. what does that sound like to you? >> jon: i guess skittles it sounds like. >> or maybe a rattle snake. or two rattle snakes or a bag of rattle snakes. who knows. all i know is that these rainbow colored pellets are right at the top of the "do not carry" list. ( applause ) >> jon: are you saying, wyatt, are you saying geraldo is right to avoid inadvertently frightening people. from now on black people should wear propeller beanees and carry giant lollipops. >> for as long as that works. the shelf life on non-threatening black people garb is pretty short. i'm wearing this on tv right now. we're just 48 hours away from
. >> jon: why? >> i'm in florida, jon. this is the least threatening item of clothing i own. >> jon: why the giant lollipop? >> this is the safest alternative to skittles. ( applause ) >> jon: i don't understand. >> remember, jon. it wasn't just the hoodie that frightened zimmerman. it was the hoodie coupled with this terrifying candy. >> jon: i don't think skittles are terrifying wyatt. >> no, listen to this. what does that sound like to you?...